who's that peakin in my window...

POW! nobody now! got an email today thanking me for registering for webcamclub.com. (picture me laughing my ass off.) i have no idea what this site is, or how i might have "registered" for it, but i definitely thought that it was funny as hell that i qualified for membership. i was thinking maybe this was like getting an honorary doctorate from a university just for being really rich. like, have i logged enough webcam hours to automatically earn myself magna cum laude webcam status? i think so.

however, after the funny wore off from receiving that notification i started wondering how in the hell they really did target me with this email. i haven't ever heard of this site. (which i also can't check right now because my job BLOCKS access to the damn thing! that can't be good.) they managed to get my email, which isn't really a huge deal i guess, because every spammer on earth can do that. but still, slightly unnerving. and the log in is definitely sumthin that i could see myself using, which begins to beg the question, are they hacked into my mind. different topic. lastly, and definitely not the least of all of my concerns is if someone has managed to actually gain access to my webcam sessions. if so, let me take this opportunity to apologize to any ladies who may find themselves featured on some barely legal hot latin teens porn site. but hell, i did tell you i'd make you famous, right.

tortured souls.

so i promise not to do this too often. i know it's a crappy way to start the morning. but maybe it'll actually help us all appreciate the day just a bit more. so i hit the wire again this morning to check what was going on in the world and found out that alexander mcqueen, the british fashion designer, was found dead in his house this morning. cops are calling it a suicide for now. i can't say that mcqueen's stuff was exactly my style, but there is no denying that homeboy was a beast in the game.

i often hear people talk about what a waste it is for someone to take their own life, and when it's a rich celebrity you inevitably get the comments about how the common man would never throw it all away like that. i submit this, you never know what's going on in a person's mind. and one fact that i find to be undeniably true is that the most talented people in this world often have the most persuasive demons. however it shakes out, i hope alex has found some peace today, and that we all may cherish this day that much more.

uuuhhhh...yes please.

thank god for women's lib.

so i'm checking out the news today, and come across a stimulating (intellectually, of course) article about who made the cover of this year's S.I. Swimsuit Issue. if you haven't had the pleasure of discovering this news, the young lady happens to be Andy Roddick’s wife. good for you Andy. so i'm thinking, hot girls, sports. sports, hot girls. so naturally my mind makes its way to women's pole vaulting. (gotta love the intricacies of the human brain.) so if you're thinking women's pole vaulting, only one name should come to mind. no, not the 10 time world champion Yelena Isinbayeva, but rather the NO TIME world champion hottest pole vaulter ever Allison Stokke. so from thinking about Allison, my next thought was naturally how happy i am that women have progressed so far in our society that they no longer have to wear lots of clothes during athletic competition...or during any other time for that matter. thank you bra burners!

oh, couple of side notes. Yelena Isinbayeva is still pretty hot...from certain angles. and two...just wanted to give the ladies a little sumthin. after all, how could i dare write a post celebrating women's equality without being equal?

super style...uuuh, i guess so.

you know what looks good all the time? winning. so i went into yesterday’s game cheering for the other guys. yeah, yeah, yeah. mostly i was fine with either team winning. my only gripe, like every other year this happens, is all the damn bandwagon jumpers. look, call it "a feel good story." call it "your team sucked this year and you had to root for somebody." call it anything, but don't call yourself a fan. especially not of this team. their real fans have been through a lot during the four hundred and eighty-nine years that they sucked. so don't call yourself a fan now when you didn't go through the tough times. it's just rude. i mean because really, we all know that you're just glad that finally the team with the sexy black uni's are finally cool enough to rock out in public.

it's funny the things that you come across...and when.

if this shit doesn't give you goose bumps, hurry and get your ass to the morgue before you start stinking up the joint.

living for real.

why women drive like crap: an exposition

so the short answer is because they don't have penises. (is that the plural of penis? peni? never had to refer to a group of them before.) anyway, so yes women drive like crap because they're missing that little (or big) member between their legs.

think about it. having a penis teaches guys all kinds of useful things that translate into being better drivers. first and foremost it teaches us to control speed and proximity. these are the two main culprits contributing to women driving poorly. you have all seen the women who feel slighted on the freeway and speeds up for about a hundred yards until she's in the ass of the car in front of her, then has to slam on the brakes. she will often repeat this maneuver over and over again for god only knows what reason. well i know! it's because she has no penis. just think about how women have sex. it's "slow, slow, slow. harder, deeper, faster, faster. slow, slow, slow. faster, faster, faster." that's exactly how they drive. there's no rhyme or reason to it. no particular cadence. just pure id.

now on the other hand, think about how guys have sex (the good one's anyway). we have to pace ourselves. we have to be in tune with our surroundings. we can't just go ramming away at whatever is in front of us, with no regard for the speed that the given situation may call for. if it's a tight squeeze we have to carefully pick our way through the terrain. if the road, or girl, happens to be wide open, then we can swerve about with little worry of having an ill times accident. you see, our penis have taught us lessons.

it is true enough that not all men are good drivers. i have often wondered if they are also poor lovers, or possibly just lacking in adequate genitalia. however, i would argue that even the smallest penis is still larger than the biggest clitoris, giving men, at the very least, a substantial head start.

how much is your sanity worth?

so, black president, blah, blah, blah. here's the fucking news of the week. there was a plane crash...in a river...and people fucking lived. are you serious? i know these people must be wondering what they've gotta do to get famous. i mean, any other week and they are national heroes or some shit. but not this one. this one they only get five minutes on the today show and then kicked to the curb. oops.

so today i hear that the airline sent them each $5000. which got me thinking, would i knowingly subject myself to a plane crash if i knew i was going to live in order to make $5000? i mean hell, if you were GUARANTEED that you weren't gonna me maimed or any shit, would you do it? it's really just like a roller coaster on steroids at that point, right? so here is what i've come up with...no. hell no. first off, i already hate fucking flying. i try telling myself that i can't die in a plane crash because my cousins inventing the fucking airplane, but that really doesn't give me much comfort. and i always do the baby check when i get on a plane, hoping that god wouldn't crash one with innocent babies on board. but then i think about all the babies that die everyday in car crashes, or even in the damn hospital before they get some boob action from mom. and on top of that i figure i've done enough dirt in my life to outweigh the pureness of a new born. so i'm fucked. but yeah, 5 g's would be nice. but i just know that shit would fuck me up for life. i think i'd probably throw up just hearing the word plane after that. even if people were just saying "plain bagel." or "let me explain." and besides that i really don't want to go through the rest of my life remembering the last time i shit my pants. call me crazy.

so yeah, thanks mr. airline exec, but you can keep your 5000 bucks. now you want to put a few more zeros behind that shit, and we might have something to talk about.

french kiss(off).

have you ever noticed that when you have a bad experience with sumthin or someone everything you come across seems to remind you of that bad thing. well, she's from france.

weekly wtf - my president is a fucking ninja!

so while last week was a tough call on what should make the weekly wtf, this week was absolutely NO contest. i'm sure everyone has seen this footage of soon to be ex-president bush getting moccasins hurled at him. this is the funniest shit that i've seen since star jones did that interview talking about how she shed that extra person she was carrying around by eating salad. riiiiight star. but, being the observant fellow that i am, getting the ninja shoes of death thrown at you is not nearly enough to earn the distinction of appearing in my blog. so what has earned baby bush this honor, you ask?

one, for someone who has tried and failed on countless occasions to throw a baseball 60 feet without skipping the fucking thing across the ground like a rock in huck finn, this dude dodged those damn shoes like he was auditioning to be neo's dad in the prequel to the matrix.

second, WHERE THE FUCK WAS THE SECRET SERVICE!?!? those cats must have been up for a damn week smoking that iraqi goodness! i didn’t see one of them show up until both shoes were thrown (homeboy had to reach down and take the second one off, mind you), and some REPORTERS tackled the assailant. if that doesn't convince you that everybody is done with mr. bush i don't know what will. And THEY WERE SHOES PEOPLE! i'm no physicist, but i'm pretty sure bullets travel faster. get on your jobs fellas.

third, all i could think about after was obama on the phone getting the names of every last agent on that detail to make sure none of those motherfuckers got within 100 miles of protecting his black ass.