an awakening.

so i realized, just this second, right in this very moment, that there is an us and a them. actually more like there is a me and a ya'll, and the divide is vast. but i'm getting ahead of myself. so this journey into self-reflection is an on going one for me, but from time to time i'm provided with input that is so glaring and obvious that it gives me pause, and requires me to re-evaluate how i see the world. better yet, in this particular instance it caused me to re-evaluate how i see myself in the world. so i'm looking through a few pictures of a friend of mine, who is about to become a lawyer, and who has always been ridiculously good looking. the pictures are of her friends and colleagues doing what future noble men and magistrates do, and it dawns on me...i am not now, nor will i ever be a part of that club. not the lawyer club, but the club of those people, doing those things, thinking the way they think. don't get me wrong, my friend is one of those truly rare perfect people. i call people like her the "ands." She's an "and" because she gets to be gorgeous, and smart, and athletic, and funny, and cool, and chill, AND...you get the damn idea. i say truly cause she's not one of the many people who are out there TRYING to convince themselves that they're so great...she actually is. i say all this because it's important to clarify that i think the world of her and the life she's living, and at the center of it, i really wouldn't mind being a part of a world that looked like hers. the fact of the matter is, i just can't. see, i realized looking at those pictures that i had all the chances in the world to go that route, to be respectable, to contribute to society in that way. hell i even tried to talk myself into being her (while not as good looking) for the first twenty years of my life. i just couldn't get it done. and while i'm looking at those pictures i come upon the reason why...i'm just not built like that. the fact is, i'm not built like anyone i know. i've tried to be. i was in all the clubs i was supposed to be in when i was young. i talked about fancy summer vacations with classmates every year. i did the college thing, and associated myself with the "movers and shakers" because i fancied myself a mover and shaker. my friends are not just smart, but educated. not just traveled but worldly. they are the type of people who you would see dressed in ball gowns, and three piece suits looking fabulous, doing glamorous things. but on the inside, it's just not me. sure i have things in common with friends, and similar interests with coworkers, but at the heart of it, there is something in me that is just wired differently than almost all of the people i've ever met. which in and of itself i guess isn't such a bad thing, except that it does contribute to this perpetual feeling of loneliness, a feeling that no one i know can really understand who i am at my core. having said all of that, and with my new found perspective i have finally decided to surround myself with the people to whom i truly belong...pornographers.