i think i'm pregnant.

so i wake up this morning. it's like any other morning. i brush my teeth. take a shower. (did that turn you on?) lotion my body. (i know that turned you on.) pull out some clothes to wear. and suddenly in the middle of getting ready i'm overcome with the overwhelming sensation that i'm going to puke my guts out. sadly, this isn't all that rare of an occurrence for me, as i often brush my teeth a little too vigorously and engage my very delicate gag reflexes. but as i made it through this mornings brushing without incident, the thirty minute delayed vomit reaction does concern me somewhat. so, at this point my mind goes to the place that any sexually active, thirty-year-old male's mind would go.

i decide that i must be pregnant.

i nervously begin to scour my brain for any slips i might have had in taking my pregnancy pills, or maybe there was a condom that didn't function as it is intended. i have also been known to create tremendous reverse condomic pressure while ejaculating, which has actually been sufficient enough to suck a girls unfertilized egg out of her ovaries, through the latex, and into my body. trust me, it's far worse for me to live through than it is for you to read about. but that's a story for another time. point being, that i'm trying to remember if i noticed that happening recently. i also begin to wonder if there is any possibility that the last kiss i had might have been so passionate that it actually set off a chemical reaction in my brain strong enough to convince my body that i'm pregnant, which would consequently cause me to simulate morning sickness. however, as i have not noticed my nipples becoming tender, or excreting any milk, i decide that this is unlikely. so after much deliberation, while performing modified lamaze breathing so as not to erl all over myself, i come to the conclusion that i am likely not pregnant and am just suffering from being so extremely disgusted with some of the women in my life that it is actually causing me to become physically ill. which is pretty sad, but at the same time is a huge relief...because i'm just not ready to raise a child on my own.